It's Finally Real

Today was my last day of work. My mood all week has been so different from last week. (Really good mood, like nothing out of the ordinary is about to happen.) Today was busy, to say the least. I said my good byes to my students as each class came and gathered all their things from the AT room. They were bittersweet goodbyes, but no tears. (For those of you who have seen me year after year crying my eyes out on the bus platform saying goodbye to my kids on the last day of school, you can appreciate how odd it sounds for me to have no tears saying my goodbyes today.) I busily organized (or shoved things into nooks and crannies on bookshelves and in cupboards) and tended to last minute details. All day I've been saying to friends that it just seems like the surgery is happening to someone else. Even while Ashley and I were at the hospital yesterday for my preadmission paperwork and testing, it still seemed distant, like we were discussing someone else. Emotions got a little more overwhelming once all the kids left for the day, but no time to let that overwhelm me, I had more organizing to do and many things to load into my car before picking Ashley up from school. I met some very special friends at Ruby Tuesdays for drinks, and all still seemed amazingly calm inside of me. We laughed and chatted and I didn't think too much about anything out of the ordinary coming soon. Until the good byes . . . I could feel a sense of panic swelling up inside of me as each person hugged me and wished me well. It was the final goodbye in the parking lot that seemed to snap me to my senses. As Karen and I stood in the rain, I didn't want to say that final goodbye and get into my car. As soon as I did, I suddenly became very aware that this is all too real, and it's really happening to me. I cried the whole way home and for a good while after arriving. I'm okay now, but I have a hunch this weekend will be full of those reality moments. If saying goodbye to friends was so overwhelming, how will I walk away from Ashley Monday afternoon, and how will I walk away from family in the waiting room Tuesday morning. Those are the moments I've been dreading since January. I'll be so happy for Wednesday to get here!

To those of you at work, I can't bring myself to read the Kisses book yet, your notes are sure to touch me more deeply than I can handle at the moment, but the book is going to the hospital with me. I may have to save reading it for Wednesday :-)

Thank you, again, to everyone for all your love, inspirational words and prayers. You'll never know how much they help to carry me through the dark moments.
I love you all!
Joyce