I Don't Know Where to Begin

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am overwhelmed by all the love and prayers expressed in the blog entries. (It's taken me most of the evening to get caught up.) This has been such a traumatic week for all of us. My memory of the first three days comes and goes and I am so grateful to be through the hardest parts. The goodbyes right before the surgery were absolutely excruciating. From that point on, I think I had the easy part on Tuesday. I can't even imagine how hard it was for Tony and my family to sit and wait. After saying good bye to Ashley at our house Monday night and riding off toward Philly, I worked through all the tears, called all my siblings and told them I loved them and a calm came over me that I just can't explain. It could only have been God answering prayers. I remained calm and actually slept that night in the hotel until 3 am. I had to shower with a nasty soap (I think it was 9 parts rubbing alcolhol and 1 part soap.) and then we trekked across the street to the hospital. After two very difficult good byes, I was taken to the OR and the prep began. I was handling things okay, until more and more faces peered down at me hooking different monitors and IV's into me. I had been promised happy juice to calm my nerves and requested that they let it flow as soon as possible. That's all I remember. I can't place the moment I awoke in ICU, it's very fuzzy, but when I did, the tubes in my throat were the worst form of torture I could have imagined. I was most afraid of the ventilator going into the surgery, and it proved to be a very ugly beast. They won't remove the tubes until you are fully awake and breathing on your own. I fought very hard to wake up, but it was so hard. They only let two people in to see me at a time. I kept dozing off, no matter how hard I tried to stay awake. Each time I started to gag, the nurse had to push the tubes in farther. (Not exactly helping, but I'm sure there was a medical reason.) At one point I started requesting paper and pen to write notes. The nurse was preparing to give me more sedatives and they were discussing leaving the breathing tubes in for the rest of the night. My brother, Buddy, finally figured out that I wanted paper and pen and a very interesting correspondence began. My parents saved the paper for me and I read over the notes this morning. (It was very surreal, as I don't remember much of it.) I was actually cracking jokes! I told the nurse not to give me sedatives and asked for her to put caffeine in my IV instead. Tony and his Dad (God love them) they were trying so hard to keep me awake by gently rubbing my arms. (Talk about putting a sleepy person to sleep in a hurry!) I was getting so frustrated. I wrote them notes to pinch me. (They wouldn't oblige!) I remember Mark and Jessica coming to say good bye and I was so amazed that everyone had stayed so long (Like I had any idea what time it was, it just seemed like weeks had passed!) Tony kept telling me visiting hours were over and I couldn't believe he wasn't able to stay with me. The nurse was very sweet and let him stay until I could get the tubes out. Not sure how long the fight for coherence went on, but I vaguely remember her pulling the tubes out and smiling. I remember trying to talk and my voice was so weak and hoarse. I don't remember much else from ICU until the tubes were removed the next day. (What a gross experience that was - I'll spare you the details) The guy that was assigned to move me from ICU to a new room was in training. I tried to be encrouaging, but my morphine had run out and his technique needs some work. I didn't even look out the window at my Philly view until the last morning in the hospital. I was really sad that they wouldn't let Tony stay the night with me in that room, either. It was a long and miserable night. My blood pressure kept dropping really low and far more than the usual once an hour wakings from people with needles, thermometers, and blood pressure guages insued all night long. I kept asking each new face that appeared by my bed, "Is this normal?" They each assured me everything would be okay. I was so glad when the sun came up. I began having migraines from the moment I awoke in ICU and they continued my whole time in Philly. I only remember about 5 minutes of all the time Karen spent with me. Karen, I can't thank you enough for bringing my baby to me, and Cathy - I'm so sorry you were sick, but I can't wait to see you when you are better-thank you for being so willing to bring her, too. I remember someone removing my bandages while Karen was there and I recall saying the scar reminded me of the zoom, zoom road. Looking at it now, it is pretty straight - really ugly, but straight. I also learned that Karen is very good at fibbing. She said I looked really good (I had to be nasty!) Some nurses are sweet, others, not so much. The nursing assisntants didn't seem to take much pride in their work and wouldn't help me get washed off in the morning. I did the best I could, but I that's not saying much. It was thought that the morphine was causing the migraines, so they took me off morphine Thursday night and forgot to replace it with something. (Loooooooong night!) It didn't look hopeful that I'd be going home soon, I could barely move and I had bloated up with so much water, it hurt just to move my arms and legs, much less lift them off the bed.) I finally received a pain killer 10 AM the next morning and was a world better within an hour. Amy, your comment about WW cracked me up. The silver lining in all of this was supposed to be that I'd finally lose a few pounds and when I stepped on the scale and they said I had gained 30 pounds I about fell over. (Tony had a really good laugh about that one.) I've almost gotten all of the water weight back off, but I doubt I'll be dropping anything extra. :-) Hard to believe you can eat broth for a week and still be heavier at the end of it! I must have been feeling a whole lot better by Friday night, because all I could think about was steak and potatoes. I sat up all night staring out the window feeling my heartbeat. I could see the hotel my family was in from my window and I kept trying to figure out how I could get from my room to them. I was getting very weirded out by my heart beat. (Sounds ungrateful, and I don't mean to be at all.) When I try to just sit quietly I am unable to because my whole body shakes. It literally feels like I'm sitting on top of a subway station, like a train is plowing right through me. It just goes to show how weak my valve had become. It will be a while before I'm used to the volume this new one produces. Everyone that came to check my vitals had to hear how much I wanted to go home and they all said I had to see what the doctor's said in the morning. One of the nicest nurses, Sue, gave me something very strong to knock me out, I'm sure so she could get some peace. I slept in the chair all night and woke up at 5:30. I called my husband and told him to come and get me. "I can't, I'll be over at 11:00" I tried to explain that I couldn't stay another night. That the smell was disgusting. (hospital smell - never noticed it until Friday night and then couldn't stand it) I waited in the hall for the doctors to make their rounds and follwed the nurse practitioner around until she got off the phone. As soon as she did, I announced, "I want to go home" She said okay. When I called Tony back and told him to come and get me he thought I had dreamt it. He sent my mom over to see if I was losing it and by the time she came in I was pulling things out of my bag to get her to help me shower. It was a long morning and a long ride home, but I am so glad to be here! One complication that has occurred is my vision is doing very strange things and I'm starting to think my migraines at the hospital weren't really migraines at all. Many people develop micro embolysims after being on the heart/lung machine during open heart surgery and it is quite possible I have developed them as well. I have been in communication with my Doctor in Delaware (Dr. Singh) and will be seeing an opthamalogist tomorrow to determine if there are embolysims present and if I need to be placed on blood thinners to avoid a stroke. I will add another entry tomorrow night to let you know what I find out. As for me taking it easy - I really have no choice. Tony has been so protective and I am just going to enjoy all of the care and concern. It's wonderful to have Mom here, though I know she is missing Dad. I would like to end with a very sad message to my Aunt Maureen and all of her family. I am so sorry for the loss of Diane and I wish I could be with Dad for the funeral. (He and mom were pretty stern in their refusal to let me go.) I love you and will be praying for you as you go through the difficult days ahead.
Thank you so much to everyone for caring. We are humbled by the outpouring of love. I look forward to seeing everyone and showing off my really ugly scar :-) I love you all so much!!!
Joyce